brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize