is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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