So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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