today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
