i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Two words: blizzard sex
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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