he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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