Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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