If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I will be naked everywhere
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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