it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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