In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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