I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
