so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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