it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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