1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
