My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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