3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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