Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
