Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
