with your own penis?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
