my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We left the knife in your bed.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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