just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
