I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
