I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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