I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
