I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
