Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
