I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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