Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
