also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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