Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
