Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
