I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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