Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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