Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm at about main and main street
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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