this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
high people should be assigned attendants
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We have started to decorate penises.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sext me about skeletons
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
