I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Your penis caused this!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
