also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
