turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
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