I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
