It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
