I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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