I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
