his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
