He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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