I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
