My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....