I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
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She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me