Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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