This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
So. Much. Porn.
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