Define "chronic" masturbator.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Boobs are out for the taking
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
