id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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