When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
