If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
