Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
