So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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