Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We're too hungover to prance.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
