he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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