I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
