Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
