Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
