When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
